Russian plane crashed in Egypt

On October 31st 2015, a commercial airliner operated by the Moscow based Metrojet airline crashed in the Sinai region of Egypt, killing all 224 people on-board. Human error and technical fault have been ruled out as possible explanations for this terrible incident. Meanwhile, ISIS took credit for the millions of dollars mass media are currently making in advertisement thanks to this, adding that it was necessary to show the world the might of Allah by using a device which could not possibly exist according to their primitive religion to destroy another device whose existence is equally impossible for the same reasons.

When contacted, president Barack Obama had the following to say: "It is fortunate that ISIS chose to claim responsibility for this, we were wondering which bogeyman we were going to blame. I mean at first it was going to be the Russians, but then we realized it was a plane full of Russians. Still, ISIS was our second choice, so it all works out in the end. We know that if we fight long enough, our primitive religion will prove superior to their primitive religion." The president then walked away from the stage, then came back to say "Also, we offer our condolences to Russia for this terrible catastrophe" and then finally left, cackling loudly until he was out of sight.

On the ground, the tension is palpable. We approached one of the Egyptian officials and he quickly enlightened us on the situation: "I don't know what's happening here. I have no clue what we're supposed to do about it. We know people expect us to do something though so we'll just stand around looking busy and poking at pieces of the plane occasionally . Hopefully you guys will leave soon and we can all go back to tacitly approving of what ISIS did." The interview was cut short when a member of the democratic presidential guard of human rights began firing at us for filming in his general direction, screaming something about us "stealing his soul".

Already, markets are reacting to the horror, and by reacting we mean they're using it as an excuse to explain away strange transactions which might otherwise hint at insider trading, but we don't say that because it wouldn't be nice.

President Vladimir Putin was contacted as well and told us "Who are you? Why are you bothering me? Go bother someone else."

The method by which ISIS brought the plane down is still unknown. It seems there was an explosion mid-flight, tearing the plane in two and causing the pilot to lose control. The hypothesis of the missile attack has been ruled out and people are speaking of a bomb. The most likely explanation however is that the mujahideen simply used their intense powers of free speech and habea corpus to explode the plane with their minds, therefore proving that the measures the government has taken to limit those rights were absolutely necessary to protect us against those vicious savages.

Only time can tell what other horrors ISIS has in store for us, but what remains certain is that we must be afraid, watch sports and buy lottery tickets.