The full text of the TPP was released today and to the dismay of environmentalists everywhere, did not mention climate change anywhere. "This is devastating," one of them told us, "it's like these economists don't want to send us money!" When asked what they would do with the money, they said they would use it to lobby for more money, then proceeded to call us right-wing racist misogynists for questioning them.
A spokesman for the negotiators agreed to clarify this issue to us: "You see, the aim of the TPP is not long term improvement for mankind, but a short term enrichment of the upper classes at the expense of everyone else coupled with yet another attempt to dissolve the middle class in industrialized nations. Billionaires are tired of seeing people who should be beneath them getting educated, defending their rights and having time for leisure, and the first step in eliminating those is in moving well paid yet low skill jobs to countries where slavery is still officiously tolerated. We also added clauses giving more power to the rich in several areas, as well as expanding their power to police the internet and thus reduce the amount of information people have access to. Combined, these efforts should take care of the remainders of the middle class within 20 to 50 years."
When questioned about how this partnership might antagonize China, he answered: "And? Even if they decided to declare war on us, it's not the rich who are going to go die in the war, it's the lower classes, and they're not real people so who cares?"
Whatever the TPP brings, remember that it is worth losing two centuries' worth of social progress to make the wealthy even wealthier.
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