The full text of the TPP was released today and to the dismay of environmentalists everywhere, did not mention climate change anywhere. "This is devastating," one of them told us, "it's like these economists don't want to send us money!" When asked what they would do with the money, they said they would use it to lobby for more money, then proceeded to call us right-wing racist misogynists for questioning them.
A spokesman for the negotiators agreed to clarify this issue to us: "You see, the aim of the TPP is not long term improvement for mankind, but a short term enrichment of the upper classes at the expense of everyone else coupled with yet another attempt to dissolve the middle class in industrialized nations. Billionaires are tired of seeing people who should be beneath them getting educated, defending their rights and having time for leisure, and the first step in eliminating those is in moving well paid yet low skill jobs to countries where slavery is still officiously tolerated. We also added clauses giving more power to the rich in several areas, as well as expanding their power to police the internet and thus reduce the amount of information people have access to. Combined, these efforts should take care of the remainders of the middle class within 20 to 50 years."
When questioned about how this partnership might antagonize China, he answered: "And? Even if they decided to declare war on us, it's not the rich who are going to go die in the war, it's the lower classes, and they're not real people so who cares?"
Whatever the TPP brings, remember that it is worth losing two centuries' worth of social progress to make the wealthy even wealthier.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
HSBC whistleblower facing jail time
The trial of banker Herve Falciani began monday in Switzerland. Falciani is best known for exposing the tax evasion schemes of HSBC to the public and now stands accused of such heinous crimes as telling the truth, increasing transparency, exposing corruption and opposing the plutarchy.
Swiss president Simonetta Sommaruga made the following statement: "His actions have threatened the fragile social order by implying that the rich are not above the law and shouldn't be slowly turning western societies into third world nations by taking advantage of them yet refusing to contribute to them. Such men must be stopped."
We contacted current HSBC group chairman Douglas Flint and he had this to say on the matter: "Though murder may be a heinous crime, it is nothing compared to denouncing what we are doing. We are hoping to obtain a life sentence for Falciani. Because of him, we had to pay over forty million dollars in bribes. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stroke the bags of money holding the 5.52 billion euros of profits we made this quarter." We stopped him for one last question, asking him whether he thought people approved of what they did. "Does it matter? Why would it matter? They're not going to do anything about it anyway. And if they do, we'll just have our police forces imprison them." Mister Flint then cackled loudly, turned into a bat and flittered away.
Swiss president Simonetta Sommaruga made the following statement: "His actions have threatened the fragile social order by implying that the rich are not above the law and shouldn't be slowly turning western societies into third world nations by taking advantage of them yet refusing to contribute to them. Such men must be stopped."
We contacted current HSBC group chairman Douglas Flint and he had this to say on the matter: "Though murder may be a heinous crime, it is nothing compared to denouncing what we are doing. We are hoping to obtain a life sentence for Falciani. Because of him, we had to pay over forty million dollars in bribes. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stroke the bags of money holding the 5.52 billion euros of profits we made this quarter." We stopped him for one last question, asking him whether he thought people approved of what they did. "Does it matter? Why would it matter? They're not going to do anything about it anyway. And if they do, we'll just have our police forces imprison them." Mister Flint then cackled loudly, turned into a bat and flittered away.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
The refugee crisis continues
Refugees are still pouring into Europe from the middle East, fleeing war and extremism on a quest for a paradise promised to them by smugglers. Last month alone, Greece was blessed by the arrival of of 218,000 people who have no intention to try and assimilate to the local culture and who expected homes and food ready for them on arrival.
We managed to reach Germany's chancellor Angela Merkel to answer a few questions. When asked whether it is wise to allow such a large number of potentially hostile individuals into Europe who require full support from the rest of the population to survive, she answered that no matter what happens, she would not take a course of action which may imply she was wrong about this in the first place, and that no matter what happens to Europe, it will be better than being called racists. She concluded by saying everyone who disagrees with her is an anti-semite and should be jailed.
Wishing for more insight, we went to the local train station to interview a refugee. Muhammad agreed to interrupt his work to hinder the functioning of society in order to protest the lack of a free house for him and his wife and 3 children upon stepping on Swedish soil so he could enlighten us:
"Why is everyone being so racist? All we want is to be housed and fed and receive medical attention and education for free! The smugglers told us it would be like this!" When we suggested that maybe the smugglers were not telling the truth, he replied "Why would the people who took all of our belongings and money in exchange for a trip across the mediterranean on a rusty boat which sank halfway through ever lie to us?"
We contacted a smuggler and asked him whether he cared that his actions would precipitate a crisis in Europe which might very well devolve into civil war. He proceeded to laugh and to go back to playing cards with other members of ISIS.
We managed to reach Germany's chancellor Angela Merkel to answer a few questions. When asked whether it is wise to allow such a large number of potentially hostile individuals into Europe who require full support from the rest of the population to survive, she answered that no matter what happens, she would not take a course of action which may imply she was wrong about this in the first place, and that no matter what happens to Europe, it will be better than being called racists. She concluded by saying everyone who disagrees with her is an anti-semite and should be jailed.
Wishing for more insight, we went to the local train station to interview a refugee. Muhammad agreed to interrupt his work to hinder the functioning of society in order to protest the lack of a free house for him and his wife and 3 children upon stepping on Swedish soil so he could enlighten us:
"Why is everyone being so racist? All we want is to be housed and fed and receive medical attention and education for free! The smugglers told us it would be like this!" When we suggested that maybe the smugglers were not telling the truth, he replied "Why would the people who took all of our belongings and money in exchange for a trip across the mediterranean on a rusty boat which sank halfway through ever lie to us?"
We contacted a smuggler and asked him whether he cared that his actions would precipitate a crisis in Europe which might very well devolve into civil war. He proceeded to laugh and to go back to playing cards with other members of ISIS.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Saudi blogger to be flogged, or not
People marched in Ottawa today to yet again demand action in the case of Raif Badawi. Badawi is known for being a Saudi blogger who made the ostensibly terrible decision to bother his government. Though he managed to ship his wife and child to Canada, he was captured and sentenced to being tortured on the grounds that he questioned whether there really is an invisible man in the sky who is omnipotent and omniscient and if you displease him in one of the myriads of arbitrary ways written in some book authored by a primitive several centuries ago will send you to a place where you will burn and suffer and cry and writhe for all eternity, but he loves you. When questioned about the wisdom of not waiting until he had left Earth's mental asylum to speak up about this topic, Badawi was heard screaming incoherently and begging for help.
Saudi officials then came to inform us of his condition, assuring us that as citizens of the latest member of the UN council on human rights, they knew perfectly well how to treat prisoners fairly and humanely. They could not stay much longer however as they had to get ready to go and cut off a woman's head for not being accompanied by a man in public, then they had to pull an all-nighter of flogging people for crimes against humanity such as looking at the wrong person or saying they think democracy looks kind of cool.
Justin Trudeau, who is to be sworn in as Prime Minister of Canada this wednesday, commented that he would do everything in his power to appear as if he is doing something about it while not actually doing anything. He then left to finalize yet another arms deal with Saudi Arabia, sure to bring in a lot of money for Canada so they can give it to corporations and pay for luxuries for politicians instead of funding social services.
Saudi officials then came to inform us of his condition, assuring us that as citizens of the latest member of the UN council on human rights, they knew perfectly well how to treat prisoners fairly and humanely. They could not stay much longer however as they had to get ready to go and cut off a woman's head for not being accompanied by a man in public, then they had to pull an all-nighter of flogging people for crimes against humanity such as looking at the wrong person or saying they think democracy looks kind of cool.
Justin Trudeau, who is to be sworn in as Prime Minister of Canada this wednesday, commented that he would do everything in his power to appear as if he is doing something about it while not actually doing anything. He then left to finalize yet another arms deal with Saudi Arabia, sure to bring in a lot of money for Canada so they can give it to corporations and pay for luxuries for politicians instead of funding social services.
Russian plane crashed in Egypt
On October 31st 2015, a commercial airliner operated by the Moscow based Metrojet airline crashed in the Sinai region of Egypt, killing all 224 people on-board. Human error and technical fault have been ruled out as possible explanations for this terrible incident. Meanwhile, ISIS took credit for the millions of dollars mass media are currently making in advertisement thanks to this, adding that it was necessary to show the world the might of Allah by using a device which could not possibly exist according to their primitive religion to destroy another device whose existence is equally impossible for the same reasons.
When contacted, president Barack Obama had the following to say: "It is fortunate that ISIS chose to claim responsibility for this, we were wondering which bogeyman we were going to blame. I mean at first it was going to be the Russians, but then we realized it was a plane full of Russians. Still, ISIS was our second choice, so it all works out in the end. We know that if we fight long enough, our primitive religion will prove superior to their primitive religion." The president then walked away from the stage, then came back to say "Also, we offer our condolences to Russia for this terrible catastrophe" and then finally left, cackling loudly until he was out of sight.
On the ground, the tension is palpable. We approached one of the Egyptian officials and he quickly enlightened us on the situation: "I don't know what's happening here. I have no clue what we're supposed to do about it. We know people expect us to do something though so we'll just stand around looking busy and poking at pieces of the plane occasionally . Hopefully you guys will leave soon and we can all go back to tacitly approving of what ISIS did." The interview was cut short when a member of the democratic presidential guard of human rights began firing at us for filming in his general direction, screaming something about us "stealing his soul".
Already, markets are reacting to the horror, and by reacting we mean they're using it as an excuse to explain away strange transactions which might otherwise hint at insider trading, but we don't say that because it wouldn't be nice.
President Vladimir Putin was contacted as well and told us "Who are you? Why are you bothering me? Go bother someone else."
The method by which ISIS brought the plane down is still unknown. It seems there was an explosion mid-flight, tearing the plane in two and causing the pilot to lose control. The hypothesis of the missile attack has been ruled out and people are speaking of a bomb. The most likely explanation however is that the mujahideen simply used their intense powers of free speech and habea corpus to explode the plane with their minds, therefore proving that the measures the government has taken to limit those rights were absolutely necessary to protect us against those vicious savages.
Only time can tell what other horrors ISIS has in store for us, but what remains certain is that we must be afraid, watch sports and buy lottery tickets.
When contacted, president Barack Obama had the following to say: "It is fortunate that ISIS chose to claim responsibility for this, we were wondering which bogeyman we were going to blame. I mean at first it was going to be the Russians, but then we realized it was a plane full of Russians. Still, ISIS was our second choice, so it all works out in the end. We know that if we fight long enough, our primitive religion will prove superior to their primitive religion." The president then walked away from the stage, then came back to say "Also, we offer our condolences to Russia for this terrible catastrophe" and then finally left, cackling loudly until he was out of sight.
On the ground, the tension is palpable. We approached one of the Egyptian officials and he quickly enlightened us on the situation: "I don't know what's happening here. I have no clue what we're supposed to do about it. We know people expect us to do something though so we'll just stand around looking busy and poking at pieces of the plane occasionally . Hopefully you guys will leave soon and we can all go back to tacitly approving of what ISIS did." The interview was cut short when a member of the democratic presidential guard of human rights began firing at us for filming in his general direction, screaming something about us "stealing his soul".
Already, markets are reacting to the horror, and by reacting we mean they're using it as an excuse to explain away strange transactions which might otherwise hint at insider trading, but we don't say that because it wouldn't be nice.
President Vladimir Putin was contacted as well and told us "Who are you? Why are you bothering me? Go bother someone else."
The method by which ISIS brought the plane down is still unknown. It seems there was an explosion mid-flight, tearing the plane in two and causing the pilot to lose control. The hypothesis of the missile attack has been ruled out and people are speaking of a bomb. The most likely explanation however is that the mujahideen simply used their intense powers of free speech and habea corpus to explode the plane with their minds, therefore proving that the measures the government has taken to limit those rights were absolutely necessary to protect us against those vicious savages.
Only time can tell what other horrors ISIS has in store for us, but what remains certain is that we must be afraid, watch sports and buy lottery tickets.
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